Blossom, Wither, Remembrance

 Blossom, Wither, Remembrance

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As I sit atop the roof of a business building with my head hunched forward and my back against the railing high above the streets, I can't keep from muttering to myself. 

‘Ahh, how the wind and rain lash out. They are not kind enough to show us mercy, that is one simple truth. The chill feels wonderful tonight.’ I chuckle to myself lightly.

I tilt my head back against the wall. I tend to put myself in these sorts of moods. The kind of mood that makes you reminisce about what was most dear to you, but is now long gone. Is it so bad to get lost in these thoughts once more? It's a shame that I like to live in the past. It has become my home. It seems to become more and more difficult to uproot myself from this abode I've created.

‘I think that I will venture into the depths of those days once more.’

As I close my eyes, everything starts appearing before me. Wonderful memories of days long past are perhaps the saddest memories I can recall. 

I remember so vividly, sitting on that bench, adjacent to a not so steep hill of fake grass, with that tree beside me. I was having a hard time then. I did not have anything going for me. Everything just seemed.. hopeless. It was like the world had lost its color. The leaves on the tree next to me were monotone, and the breeze that swept past felt insignificant. I had not been able to find any beauty in the mundane that surrounded me.

Not too far off in the distance, I remember hearing two girls talking amongst themselves.

‘Is he ok? Maybe we should go check on him.’

‘I think so too.’

I thought to myself in that moment, how they must have been speaking about someone else. What reason would anyone have for asking if I was ok? It almost seemed a little funny that I had dared to hope that it would happen. I had made the mistake of daring to hope that someone cared.

I was wrong. The two girls came over to me, and asked if I was alright. They made cheerful comments, and seemed like they were being genuine. I had seriously wondered if they were joking at first. I still didn't have the slightest clue why someone would care. One of the girls walked off after a bit, and the other stayed behind.

‘Come sit with me!’, she remarked cheerfully.

I did just that. I sat next to her, and we talked the time away. She was the kind of person to make hours feel like minutes. She was the kind of person to never fail to put a smile on your face. I could not believe that someone so wonderful had walked into my life. 

So, that time we spent talking turned into days. Days turned to weeks, and weeks into months. We spoke about all manner of things. Life, problems, cheerful moments, stories, complaints, anything that crossed our minds was spoken about. I had found a true friend.

I think it was about that time that color started to return to my life. As we lay down on our backs, and stared up at that tree that was once monotone to me, it started to shimmer. The sun shone through those leaves, and the breeze that felt insignificant felt amazing on my face. I remember looking over at her as that breeze passed through, and seeing her hair dance in the wind like dandelion pappus. She seemed to be this radiant being of color that brightened up my life. I wish she could have seen life through my eyes in that moment as I looked back at those leaves, and saw the most vibrant green I had ever witnessed. I remember feeling her embrace, and realizing just how much she meant to me.

Time went on, seemingly endless. Moments with her seemed to fill the hardest of times with joy, even if it was simply from hearing her voice. It was a little odd after a while. She was someone that I never felt nervous around, but I started feeling excitement in my chest whenever she would lie next to me. It felt like that first moment under the tree again, when I was talking to someone who, at the time, was new to me.

That tightness in my chest grew slowly. To this day, I still can't decide if it was her smile, her eyes, her kindness, or her laughter that made me feel that way. Perhaps it was everything. Her vibrance was breathtaking. Soon enough, I started to try and figure out what that feeling in my chest was. I had come to the conclusion that perhaps, it was love.

I wanted to tell her. I wanted to pour my heart out to her every single moment that we were together, and every single moment that we were apart. She occupied my thoughts. I had thought that if I told her, it might ruin what we had. I didn't want to do that.

Eventually though, that feeling in my chest got to be too much. I know that I never expected anything to come out of it; I just wanted to be able to try to move on from those feelings. I thought that if she knew, I could do it. So, I told her. Nothing came out like I had intended of course. She was too special to find the perfect words for. 

Even so, she took it better than I had expected. She was so kind and respectful of my feelings then. It was like setting a fragile piece of glass down onto a soft sheet. When I met her, I was nothing but shattered glass. She picked all of my pieces up tenderly, and repaired my cracks with gold. It was like kintsugi. 

She seemed distant for a while, but I expected nothing less. I needed the time anyway. I needed to realize what my feelings truly meant. Soon, those days that seemed endless ran out. The time that we could spend with one another under that tree was over, and I was left lonely once more. I remember watching her walk away for the last time. Nothing brought me greater sadness than seeing her turn around and not look back. I wonder if she ever felt the same.

I got in contact with her some time later, but it was never the same. Our conversations didn't light up my life nearly the same way, and the vibrance that once radiated off of her seemed so much more dim. The color started to fade once more.

I had thought later that I found other places in my life that made me feel like I belong, but none of them were the same as when we were with one another, and her laugh would fill my head with joy. Nothing made life as colorful as her beside me.

That brought me to a little while ago. I decided to send her a message. I told her just how much she meant to me. I poured my heart out all over again, but this time, I knew what my feelings had meant. It wasn't love that I felt all that time ago, it was companionship. I had simply never felt it so strongly before. She told me she missed me, and how she missed our talks. She even told me that she would like to keep in touch more, and that I was never bothersome. I think that was the first real smile I had had in a long time.

That brought me to even more recently. I tried to talk to her again. I had so much I wanted to say. I wanted to describe all that I had done in my life since that time we grew apart. I wanted to hear her do the same. I wanted her to know that I was sorry for letting us drift. I wanted to feel that happiness again. I wished for many things, but we don't always get what we want. I never received a response from her.

That brings me to now, where I am sitting atop this roof, with the rain pitter pattering against the concrete and brick. My face is cold and wet, but that doesn't particularly matter to me. As I start to stand up, I feel a tear streak down my face. The only thing that distinguishes this single tear from all this rain, is the warmth it has.

At this moment, I am reminded of the ocean. The ocean would be the perfect place to cry. No one would be able to see your face in the dark abyss, nor the expression you bear. That tear you shed would blend into the water around you. Perfect silence. Perfect solitude. 

Solitude is what I feel right now.

All one really needs to cry in that perfect place is the ability to cry in the first place, but I didn't have that for a very long time.

I mutter to myself again.

‘Look what you keep doing.’ I smiled. It was not a real smile, more of a sorrowful grin.

‘You gave me one last thing. I finally shed a tear.’

I want to scream, but I know that it would be meaningless. There are no ears to hear my screams besides my own. The color has drained from my sight once more, and the only thing left is me in this moment. I still wonder, do you remember me? Do you remember the color you bought into my life? I wonder, did I ever bring anything to you?

I walk over to the ledge. As I peer out over the city, and see the lights glowing in the night, all I can think of is how wonderful it would be to share this moment with you. I wish I could feel this breeze with you again, and laugh with you about the rain and how soaked out clothes would be. It would be wonderful, but you are not here. 

Things seem hazy now. I feel like slipping away from this existence. No one needs me here. As I stand up on the thin railing, I feel fearless. It's like that time when I didn't feel nervous around you at all, don't you remember? I remember. It was one of the last times I truly smiled.

Don't you remember? That first day we met I mean. You walked into my life, and showed me color. That simple act of kindness, asking me if I was alright, brought about the best times of my life. Thank you. My gratitude towards you is immeasurable. I know that I would never be able to find the perfect words for you, so I will leave it at that.

As my hands are thrown up into the air, I mutter something to myself once more.

‘I guess I never was able to find the beauty in the mundane. To me, being able to find it is true poetry. You brought that out in me, but now the beauty is gone. It was like it withered, like a dandelion. Dandelions grow even in the toughest of conditions, yet you helped cultivate my soil, and make my world a better place.’

Still fearless, yet crying, I shift my weight forward. As I fall and pick up speed, I feel the wind rush against my face one last time. I am reminded of that first breeze I shared with you once more. 

The final thing I can feel is one more tear.

The final thing I can think, is how you remind me of a poem.

The lark should not have

Spent morning in frosty trees

As winter began.

Why did the lark fall

From the frosty trees that morn?

The frost had bit him.

Krauter plum petals

Bloom in place of the lark’s home.

It is spring once more.

I was stuck in winter when I met you. I was cold and alone. Unlike the lark, you saved me from the frost, and showed me spring. I think I failed to save you, and now it is winter once more. 

I think you would have liked this rain. 

I don't think I have the strength to be someone else's spring, as you were mine.