You Did This?
There he was, the boy who no one hated, yet no one loved. The boy who, despite his calm demeanor and ability to ‘laugh’, was screaming inside. Was any of it real? Did any of it mean anything? Was it all just some trick played on the boy by some sick being for its pleasure? The boy did not know, for he was too scared to seek the answer, petrified at the thought of the crushing pain it would cause him. He knew that to disobey the thoughts he had no control over, would mean nothing but rumination of his own regrets, images of the things that had hurt him the most, and guilt that would weigh on him heavier than the pressure of being thousands of feet underwater.
The boy did not make the rules of his thoughts, he merely followed them to a T. Perfect. Or else. One step out of line, one step not taken correctly, one thing not executed exactly as it was set to be physically, or mentally; meant the things that the boy prayed most for never to happen, the things that would make him suffer greater than he could ever imagine, would come to be. That was the rule. Who set these rules for him? He did not know. Perhaps it was the one who told him when to repeat something, to fix something, to check something, to say something, when to think about everything that caused him pain, suffering, hurt, and panic. That figure that was ever present in the back of the boy's head, always watching.
How to live with such a demon?
The boy was scared of the demon. He was scared of the consequences for not following the rules. He was scared of the very possibility, the very if, of that thing he hoped most for to never happen, could happen. Ifs always crossed the boy's mind. What if this, what if that were to happen? He was always ruminating on things that were not realistic, though he didn't dare admit it wasn't realistic. He don't dare admit that *anything* would be ok. If he did, it wouldn't be. That was the rule.
The boy thought he was crazy. He was full of fear, sorrow, regret, and was always tired. Always. Never a rest. His thoughts never stopped, even when he was begging and clawing at the demon to make them do so. Soon, the boy was lonely. Not really, for he was surrounded by people, however, none of them saw him as anything, as anyone. He couldn't help but wonder, was he truly alone? It couldn't be. There were all these people's lives he was peering into.. Though never a part of them. The demon was his only companion after all, and one who only caused him misery. Should he not obey the demon, he would be martyred by his own thoughts. This boy, normal on the outside, though insignificant to anyone, had no one but his thoughts.
A thought crossed the boy's mind one day. The demon must be asleep. He thought, for he could think freely for the time being. If the demon was his only companion, why not try to become friends with it? They never spoke besides when the boy was ordered to follow its rules.
When the demon woke, the boy struck up a conversation.
‘Why do you do this to me?’, the boy asked.
The demon looked at the boy, surprised, and looked at him very closely, angry.
‘You know why. You don't want those terrible things to happen DO you?’, the demon hissed back at him.
‘No, I don't. That's why I follow your rules, though they lack logic. I want to know why you make me do these things, when you can keep the thoughts at bay yourself, for I can not. Is it because you would not gain anything from it? Do you enjoy my suffering?’
A short pause, and then the demon replied: ‘Yes boy. That is the reason. What else do you seek from me?’
‘I just want to be friends. I just want us to be able to trust one another. I know that that won't stop the rules from being needed to follow, but what if we could make an arrangement?’
The demon seemed hesitant, yet calmer than before. He let the boy continue.
‘What if we could talk about what is wrong with one another? You know all of my pain and sorrow, and yet I know none of yours.’
‘Mm boy.. This may be something I can arrange. It won't be easy. I won't let up on enforcement of the rules, if that is what you hoped for. Don't get too comfortable, boy.
My pain is that of yours, though I am the one that keeps it at bay. My pain is that of what happens if you do not follow the rules. I know the outcome. I am the outcome. I can not tell you more boy.’
He seemed accepting of this, and the boy as well.
The boy and the demon had many such interactions in the times to come. Though warned not to, the boy had grown to trust the demon. He also knew that it could just be more antics set up by it. What if it had let him get comfortable, only so that it could rip everything away from under his feet, and leave him to sink and drown in sorrow once more? Trust was dangerous. Could it be lies? Was it the truth? Only time would tell.
Though the demon never let up on his rules, he didn't seem to be lying to the boy either. He didn't seem to want to tear everything away from him. Though the demon still tried to take control from time to time, it had seemed to take a small liking to the boy. The rule though, was to never admit that anything could be ok. He wasn't allowed to let go of the idea, that this was not ok.
The demon fell asleep.
A thought crossed the boy's mind once more, free of the constant gaze from the demon. Was HE the cause of its pain? Was he dwelling in the demon as it was in him? A part of one another, is that why their pain coincided? Was the outcome the demon held back only possible because he knew how to prevent the outcome, or because he too was too petrified in fear to find out himself? Who really made the rules, and who was the one too scared to face the truth? He didn't need the answer, for he already knew the response he would be given. Did he? The boy knew that to bring this to attention would never fix the damage already done to them both.
A final thought crossed the boy's mind before the demon awoke from its slumber.
I can’t find the light,
In all of this blinding dark.
Are my eyes just closed?
So, as the boy opened his eyes, and walked away from the mirror, he said to himself:
‘Did I do this?’
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